The Onion tribute: Using sex to sell climate science

Despite an overwhelming majority of countries, religions, companies, and scientists publicly stating that they are in favor of immediate action to help mitigate man made influences on climate change there are still pockets of powerful and influential people in the U.S. who oppose it.  Concerned about delays in action, Yale University commissioned the Paddleford Warren Research Trust (PWRT) to identify the demographics of this group and determine what could influence them to get on board.  PWRT found that the majority of those who did not believe in man-made global warming were white males between the ages of 45 and 65.  In researching that demographic they learned that the primary influencers of their climate science opinions were females like Sarah Palin, Megyn Kelly, Maria Bartiromo, Tomi Lahren, and other outspoken female climate science skeptics.

Yale University took this information and has partnered with other academic institutes and is in the preliminary phases of implementing a plan to bring more influential women to the scientific side of the discussion.  Wesley Thibodaux from the Peoples Grant Institute (PGI) is overseeing the financial help his organization is providing.  In an interview, Thibodaux stated “with no disrespect to the women in science today, we need to bring more overt sexuality to the table when it comes to discussing climate science.  Sex sells and action is long overdue”.  The grant process includes many common initiatives to get more women in science but in reviewing the grant application there are areas where it differs significantly.  The application asks for a headshot and video of the applicant talking sternly about anything climate science related.  It outlines the awards that an applicant can receive which include wardrobe vouchers, makeovers, and even plastic surgery.  Thibodaux defends this by saying “look at the TV today, big oil is spending money on $2300 shoes, tight white designer dresses, and requesting low camera angles for their legion of ladies to continue persuading inaction on combatting climate change, it is time to sex up science and get these dirty old men back to reality”.  He concedes that it is unclear whether this campaign will have any impact on climate change but says that his team can definitely influence public opinion, “what is the alternative, to wait for these old men to die, we simply do not have enough time for that”.

In a follow up with Yale University, they confirmed that they are partnering with the PGI and adding scholarships to the mix for “qualified female candidates”.  Yale stated that this process is no different than what is commonly done for athletics and is an important step in bringing science to the forefront.  Yale Human Behavior and Psychology professor, Dr. Kirk Frederic (PhD) adds “Studies have shown the providing old white men exposure to an attractive female with opinions makes them more likely to adopt those opinions as their own.  When it comes to scientific fact, it takes a little longer exposure but the same holds true”.  PGI holds up Kait Parker as one of their successes and a reason to continue to expand the program quickly and Thibodaux (PGI) is no stranger to the concept, his late father is a former music video producer from the 1980’s that brought Tawny Kitaen to the Whitesnake videos and produced Van Halen’s Hot for Teacher video which according to Thibodaux Sr. “increased young men’s school attendance at a critical time in their development”.

 

The following blog post was satirical in nature and some characters appearing in this work are fictitious.